don’t stop.

I just keep thinking, “Pick your foot up and put it down.Keep picking your feet up. If you keep picking your feet up, you’ll be better. You’ll be confident. People will want your attention. People will think you have control. Discipline. Keep going. If you pick your foot up, you’ll be strong. You’ll be proud of yourself. You’ll be fast - you’ll be thinner - you’ll be healthier. You’ll be beautiful. You’re not done yet. If you stop, you’ll never change. You’ll fail. You can’t fail. If you keep going, people will like you. You’ll like you. You can wake up and look in the mirror. You’ll be beautiful.” That’s how I survive 60 minutes of cardio.

You always read about how it’s the little things that shape us. Maybe I just started thinking about that for the first time, really, and what it means to be shaped. Looking at the past and how different I was when I went into public schooling for the first time. I can’t really entirely blame everything on that though. Even if I could, I don’t know if I’d want to. But it makes you think, though… if I had been born incredibly beautiful or overwhelmingly smart. If I was born into money, or never had to deal with not fitting in, feeling like a freak, changing schools, having a wide variety of friends — what would I be like? If I was stunning, jaw-dropping, would I still have humility? Would I still have doubt? Would I have the same friends? If I didn’t have to work for anything, would I be working at all? Would I appreciate things as much? Maybe I would still be the social butterfly that I used to be when I was a little kid, and maybe I’d even know how to flirt. Maybe I’d have some self-confidence in something other than being a hard worker. If I drove a nicer car because someone else bought it for me, would I even appreciate it? If I didn’t have adversity, would my life be so dull that I couldn’t stand it?

rum before noon o’ clock

Sounds like a pretty good way to start off 2012. Ignoring the fact that my car still isn’t drivable and my only mode of transportation is a giant white van with no registration or gas gauge. And yes, I’m drinking a little baby glass of TGI Friday’s Blue Hawaiian. Yes, Blue Hawaiian has rum in it. Yes, it is 11 in the morning. Maybe this year I’ll resolve to doing everything the opposite of what I normally would.

Like drink at 11 in the morning.

Anyway, as 2012 is in full swing, I should probably draw up some sort of contract with myself so that this year doesn’t end as poorly as last year. Last year sucked. A lot. But there were some highlights, so I couldn’t say that it was all bad. I got my dog, Karma, on April 21 from North Shore branch of Western Pennsylvania Humane Society. I moved out of my parents house at the end of February with two of my friends and into a little place of our own in Castle Shannon, Pennsylvania. The laptop got paid off, I lost around 30 lbs and we went on a cruise to Mexico from New Orleans on December 2. Unfortunately, I gained back about 10 of those pounds.

Still not as heavy as early 2011 when I weighed 190.

Now it’s 2012 and I have six months before my birthday and a new license picture. I won’t be 26 and overweight. I won’t wait four more years for a license picture where I don’t look like a giant cow. I want to get down through the 130s so I can have a body that will be able to handle every challenge I put it up to, so I can show the people who didn’t think that I could do it - the people who thought they were too good - that I’m not a loser, to be able to go out into public and not be ashamed, so I can make my own clothes and look good. I want a man’s attention but I don’t really necessarily need a man. I just want to look like someone who couldn’t possibly be single, not necessarily not be single.

I have to go to the dentist. I have to get new glasses. I have to throw out all of the clothes I don’t wear. I want to save up for a new bed and carpet. I want to learn how to use my sewing machine. Maybe even take a few classes. I have to do as much research as I can on my future so I can hopefully have some idea of what I want to do with my life. Nothing matters but me this year. I know that sounds crazy selfish but I don’t know how I can fully dedicate myself to anyone or anything else if I can’t first satisfy what I have to do for myself.

Oh yeah. And I want blinds.